Are You a People Pleaser?

What an honor to have Guest Expert, Rina Deutsch on our show! She truly was so pleasing to speak to 😉
So what pearls of wisdom were gleaned? Read below for the questions and answers this episode covers. Or even better, watch it for yourself! You will definitely be pleased! *wink wink*

Leah asked: What is a people pleaser?

Rina answered: A people pleaser typically says “yes” to all requests made to them and then cries afterward. Basically, they can’t say “no.” They also tend to mimic the people around them, so that they fit in and are liked. They do not enter into the deepest part of relationships, because that takes vulnerability. People pleasers apologize often and blame themselves when things go wrong. People pleasers will overthink what they said and stress about what they should have said. They are dependent on external validation, as opposed to finding internal validation, which builds confidence. People pleasers take on too much responsibility for everyone else’s emotions, even though everyone is responsible for their own emotional regulations.

Leah wanted to know: What causes someone to become a people pleaser?

Rina responded: This can vary for different people. People want to feel good about themselves and are not in touch with makes them a good person. They look for others to validate them. They believe that the more they can mold themselves into the individual others will like, the better they will feel. If everyone has a certain pair of shoes, they need them too, and their entire self worth becomes part of that. Whether or not they like the shoes or can afford them is not important since they feel that in order to be included by the group they are trying to “get into” they must have those shoes. Peer pressure of this kind is understandable to a certain extent, however, if one’s entire feelings of self-worth is dependent on acceptance from others, it’s a problem. A person should feel fine seeing shoes on someone else and be able to decide whether it’s a style they like or not, and whether they need the shoes or not. People should be fine with you being you and me being me. A person with a strong sense of self will admit when an activity others are doing is not appealing to him/her. It takes an enormous amount of self-esteem to say, “great for you, not great for me.”

People Pleasers Can Neglect Their Relationships

Leah delved deeper: What is the downside of being a people pleaser?

Rina answered: Burnout, which tends to be more of a problem with adults. When you’re busy giving and doing for everyone else, even though it’s not easy or convenient, and you don’t refuel, then you will eventually burn out. People pleasers can neglect marital relationships or other close relationships in order to fulfill the stuff they said “yes” to. It can lead to passive-aggressive behavior and to frustration because they wonder why people don’t notice that they are falling apart. They can feel resentment, even while they are doing nice things for others, and feel annoyed because no one takes notice of how much they are doing or offers to help out.

Leah was curious: Are there sources from Torah which encourage people pleasers? Isn’t it praiseworthy to make others happy and be good to them? Can being a people pleaser be viewed as a good thing?

Rina responded: There is a source in the Mishna which says, “He who is pleasing to others will be pleasing to G-d.” But what if I’m pleasing to others and I’m not pleased with myself? Is that the way G-d wants me to be? Then we also find that Hillel says, “be a lover of peace and always go after peace”. These ideas make it seem like I have to constantly give to others in order for me to be a good person. However, Hillel also says, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” so obviously, we need to have a good sense of self. You must be able to be yourself because no one else can do that for you. Hillel further says, “But if I’m only for myself, what am I?” That means we’re striving for balance. We need to be for ourselves because there’s a certain amount of giving that you cannot do if you are not full. However, you should not only be for yourself, since that would make you selfish. We can see in other areas of our lives, where if we don’t take care of ourselves first, we won’t be able to properly take care of anyone else. For example, on an airplane, you are directed to put your oxygen mask on first before you help the child flying with you. You should not be selfish nor self-absorbed; just make sure you’re filled first. One of the costs of being a people pleaser is that while you’re working so hard to please everyone, those who are the closest to you end up suffering the most. Esteem is wrongly determined externally by others, which is an error of thinking. Remember that you were put here for a specific purpose. Being a people pleaser to everyone except for your husband is the greatest tragedy. The one who can love and support you more than anyone else is your husband. You could have made the error of training your husband to be less supportive than he could have been, but that can be corrected. There is always something a wife can do to bring out a better part of her husband and thereby to enjoy a happier marriage. If you’re a people pleaser and are pleasing everyone except your husband, that is a marital problem.

Leah wanted to know more: Can you please expound on the costs of being a people pleaser?

Rina was happy to oblige: Being a people pleaser can give you a diminished sense of enjoyment from the things you’re doing and from the people you’re spending time with. If you really didn’t want to go to an event but did it to make someone else happy, then you’re there but you’re not happy. It manifests itself in not being able to be fully present with what’s right in front of you. It really zaps the joy out of life. This mindset leads to a high amount of chronic stress because you’re trying to keep everyone happy by doing so many things for so many people. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically draining, and it takes a huge toll on your mood and behavior. If you spend all day trying to make everyone in your world happy, and you finally get home wanting to relax, then as soon as your husband says something, it may aggravate you. If you can find a way to restructure, it will be healthier for your marriage. You must remember that every time you say yes to someone, then it’s the same as saying no to someone else. Learn to prioritize your yeses!

Leah wanted practical tips: What can people pleasers do to correct their bad habits?

Rina provided guidance: You must start small and in safe places. You can tell safe people, such as close friends or colleagues, that you are trying to work on your prioritizations. You can say, “there might be a time when you’ll ask me a favor and I might say no to you. I want you to know I’m working on making sure that when I say yes to you the next time, I can mean it with my whole heart.” A suggestion is that when someone asks something of you which might take a lot of time and commitment to carry out, say, “Can I think about it?” That question gives you a buffer and you are able to stop and be deliberate. Saying “yes” is not the reason why people like you, and that’s important for a people pleaser to internalize.

The More Honest and Vulnerable We Are, the Deeper Our Relationship Can Be

Leah wanted to know: How about trying this with one’s husband?

Rina agreed: We all want a happy marriage. The more honest and vulnerable we are, the deeper our relationship can be. You’re also presenting your husband with a beautiful opportunity to help you. You can say to your husband, “I love you and this relationship is the most important thing in the world. I’m working on figuring out when to say yes and when to say no to others. I want to be able to say yes to you as often as possible. I want all my yeses to be with my full heart. There may be times when I may have to say no, but I want you to understand and support me through this. I will start saying no more often to outside people. I’m a work in progress. I’m doing this to take care of myself better so I can take care of you better.” The majority of times, husbands do understand that if their wife is a people pleaser to others, it’s not a positive thing for him and to the marital relationship. You can even use your husband or children as an excuse to say no to others. Win-Win.

A listener asked: How do we deal with people who almost force us to be a “yes” person? An example for a single woman is her inability to turn down a Matchmaker’s suggestion. Even if she knows the match is not suitable for her, she may lack the confidence to stand up to the matchmaker for fear that she will not be set up again.

Rina responded that she knows of someone who was pushed so far by a matchmaker and didn’t feel empowered to say no, so she actually married the wrong guy and was very unhappy. You can say sincerely to the matchmaker, “I appreciate your help and you’re doing such wonderful things for me, but I know this is not the right person for me. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me and please continue, but I have to stand firm in this decision because this is my life. Your guidance and help mean everything to me, but I need to trust my instincts here.”

Leah wanted more practical advice: What are some tactics to overcome being a people pleaser?

Rina provided tools: When you’re asked to do a favor, you can say, “Can I have time to think about it?” You need to start building yourself up and giving to yourself as well. You give to everyone, and when you give to yourself, you wrongly define it as taking. You must understand that you are worthy of giving to yourself, so you can be full and secure enough to give to others. Acknowledge your own needs and that you matter too! Understand that you’re created in G-d’s image. Rabbi Hutner zt’l said our generation is struggling in many areas and we need to find inner value. Modeh Ani is a short prayer we say upon awakening. The last two words are pivotal , “Rabba emunosecha,” which means, “Great is Your faith in me.” Every day I wake up is like G-d saying, “Girl you’ve got this. You’re needed and you’re special.”

For People Dealing With Self-Esteem Issues, Practice Self-Care and Loving Yourself

Leah added a great suggestion: For people who are dealing with self-esteem issues, get yourself a journal. List the heading, “What makes me valuable.” If you have a hard time finding things to write, sit with someone who loves you so they can help you. If that doesn’t work, get a therapist. We’re very good at picking out our weaknesses, but we must know what our strengths are too.
In order to be able to give, you need to have what to give. You know you should love your neighbor as you love yourself. The prerequisite to that is to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love your neighbor? The word for love in Hebrew is Ahava, which also has the root “to give.” “I should give to my neighbor as I give to myself.”
Leah wanted to know: What would giving to oneself look like?

Rina provided insight: It would look different for everyone. For some people, it would be to carve out an hour for exercise each day. For another, it can mean to have a coffee date with a friend each week, perhaps for others, getting their nails done, ordering in dinner once a week, buying flowers for yourself and arranging them in different vases, etc. Self-care is an anecdote to being a people pleaser. You’re trying to fill yourself up by giving to others to make them happy. You can please yourself too. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

A viewer asked our final question: Are there any positive aspects about being a people pleaser?

Rina responded: There is a certain level of empathy that people pleasers have. Wanting to make others happy by being a giver, if it’s from a healthy place, is fabulous. Find the balance. Most of the time, people like being around a people pleaser, since they make good conversation and make people feel good. So being a people pleaser isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s all about finding the right balance of people-pleasing and self-pleasing.

Homework for the week: One time this week, instead of saying yes, say, “Let me think about it.” By waiting, it will give you time to collect yourself and you will give the “right” answer. You can also use your husband afterward when you need to respond no, and say “my husband feels this isn’t the right thing for me to do now”.