Doesn’t he realize- I don’t want to hear that he’s sorry, I want to hear why he’s sorry!

Join Leah as she continues Marriage Secrets with pages 277-280 and discusses why it’s easier to let go of anger than hurt, how to stop bearing a grudge and how to accept an apology even if it doesn’t feel good enough. This might be hard to hear ladies, so apologies, but his apology can be enough!

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• We are halachically(by Jewish law) obligated to get over grudges. Whether it means simply letting it go or a four-hour conversation about it, we must find our way to let go of the hurt.
• Identifying our grudges and letting each one go will bring serenity and closeness.
• The good news is that awareness is half the battle.
• Once we’ve cleaned the rug it gets easier over time to maintain harmony. This cleaning process is the hardest part.
• The immediate tangible benefits should motivate us to keep going.
• Keep in mind that trying to come to harmony in every relationship is too much- we need to start with our marriage.
• We think forgiveness is for others, but we are the first beneficiaries.

Viewer Questions:

Racheli: I find that I can work on my anger towards my husband, but I will still feel upset. The anger I can let go of, but the hurt I can’t seem to. Why is this and what can I do?

Leah: A lot of people carry baggage from their childhood, so it’s important to introspect and see if this echoes childhood patterns. Recognizing obstacles to full-hearted forgiveness is the first place to start. Then writing down or repeating to yourself: “Once you forgive, you’re obligated to forget,” is a necessary step to closeness to your husband.

Jordana: I try so hard to let things go, but sometimes my husband accidentally repeats the same mistakes, and I can’t help but feel all the hurt/anger come rushing back. Does that mean I bear a grudge against him?

Leah: Yes, it does! There isn’t much to do about the rush of anger- this takes over a person. But there is a lot to do when we feel the rush of anger. Acknowledging and recognizing the feeling means we can work on it. We need to become a person of mastery. We only need to do it a few times and the closeness and good feelings from the mastery will help us to overcome it.

Mimi: My husband is quick to apologize but doesn’t like when I want to discuss what he did that hurt me/upset me in detail, he says he just feels when I do that, I put him down too much. But it’s hard for me to let my pain go completely if I don’t fully discuss and all my feelings about it with my husband. What should I do?

Leah: Most women like to thrash out their hurts in excruciating detail- timecode 12:51 will get you giggling as you see how unproductive this is! It could be that we’re heaping so much on him that we’re smothering any hope of him hearing, helping or being there for us. Thinking about how we say it to him in a way he can hear it is crucial. Our communication course will help a lot with this.

Yehudis: I find that I can clean the lumps but then my husband goes and does something again. Is there a formula for keeping the lumps out altogether?

Leah: Yes there is, and we will get to it, but cleaning out the lumps comes before maintenance. There will always be more lumps, but it will become easier to deal with them. Often us women yell so much that our husbands don’t get a chance to even apologize, or we back him into a corner, so he gets defensive. We need to give him the space to apologize and then accept it and this will help the process.

Try This At Home:

One time this week when you’re feeling a rush of resentment just freeze and notice what is happening.