Is it too much to ask for my husband to look me lovingly in the eyes!

Join us as Leah continues Chapter 9 of Marriage Secrets with pages 223-225 and teaches tools which will bring ultimate closeness; helping us communicate in ways our husband will see eye to eye with us.

Leah’s Points To Ponder:

• Communication skills need practise.
• To see huge shifts in your relationship, follow these tools for deep listening:
• Ideas of what to say: ask a question, comments to confirm you’ve heard him, validate, repeat back and bite your tongue.
• Ideas of what to do: listen attentively, turn phone off, don’t interrupt, keep eye contact, and remember what he was saying.

Viewer Questions:

Naomi: My husband and I are in the toddler/baby stage. Our children are very young and so often they are crying/kvetching loudly and interrupting my husband while he’s speaking. Any practical tips during this stage?

Leah: Often when we do have alone time with our husband, we tend to monopolize the conversation. We can have an entire conversation without even asking him one question! (We see you nodding guiltily!) Interruptions are inevitable but what are we like when there aren’t interruptions? Listen in at 07:33 to hear how to seek his advice for when those inevitable interruptions do pop up! As long as we’ve communicated that listening to him is more important than dealing with the interruptions, then even when we have no choice, he will know he is priority.

Talia: My husband can talk forever… I don’t want to cut him off but at a point I just start to tune him out. How can we communicate effectively and quickly?

Leah: Every time we listen to our husband, we literally become closer.  Moving forward, continue listening as much as possible. Tuning in at 09:22 will help you handle your tuning out! Hand the problem to him by asking his advice in this problem.

Hadassa: My husband is so introverted. He prefers to zone out or have alone time. How can I encourage him to share more with me if he doesn’t want to?

Leah: It’s like any avoda (work), you need to brainstorm how to solve this. G-d gave you a man who is introverted but now think creatively what you can do. Journal a list of questions you think he’d want to talk about. Show him how much you want closeness with him, and that you care so deeply that you want him to share himself more.

Deena: My husband gets frustrated when I ask too many questions, he says it sounds like he’s in an interview. How do I make sure to not sound like an interviewer when we communicate? I happen to naturally love asking questions.

Leah: Tell him you care about him and sell him on the idea that even if he feels he’s being interviewed, it’s your way of connecting. Maybe you need to change your style, perhaps it’s critical or tiring him out. It’s trial and error. Most importantly, get him to understand that your motivation is to get closer to him.

Yocheved: How can I set the tone for a deeper more intimate conversation? What words can I use to instigate this type of communication? I want my husband and I to open up to each other more, but getting started is challenging.

Leah: The first thing not to do is to tell him you want a deeper conversation, or he’ll run! See if you’ve done anything in the past which may have made it less conducive to deep conversations. Make sure not to criticize and to make conversations pleasant. Secondly, by starting with light conversations and asking probing questions this may ease more out of him, allowing the deep conversations to follow. When we make these efforts, we will have hatslocha (success) because when we try to get closer, Hashem helps!

Goldy: I try to be so good with eye contact, but he doesn’t really reciprocate and is always busy looking anywhere but me! How can I get him to look at me?!

Leah: There could be a physical reason which makes him lack this ability. He could be totally with you but just can’t do this, and if so accept this is what G-d gave you. Or it could be that he wasn’t properly trained to look people in the eye. Perhaps something happened in his childhood so he avoids this way of connection. You need to pick your battles. If this is a real need, then listen in at timecode 21:30 to show that him that you being unseen makes you feel unheard.

Penina: I often get judgmental and/or anxious when my husband shares things with me. How can I silence my own thoughts when we’re talking so I can listen to him better?

Leah: Great self-awareness. Analyse what makes you anxious and pinpoint what is causing this anxiety. Then introspect whether this issue predates your marriage as your anxiety may be to do with your history not your husband. Timecode 24:14 will show you how to share this anxiety in a stress-free way!

Malki: My husband often gets down and prefers not to talk to anyone. My children wonder what they’ve done wrong. How can I explain it to them without putting him down?

Leah: This is a question for him. Tune in at 26:38 to hear how to express your love even when he’s in a sour mood and ask him how to keep things sweet. Make sure you’re doing actions which show love and support regardless of his moods. He may need medication or therapy for his moods but if he is maintaining his responsibilities in the home then you should be able to come up with ideas together. Make it our problem not his problem.

Try This At Home:

One time this week, remove your phone when you’re talking to your husband.