We all want to be loved, that is when we have the time to even think about it! But is this want actually a need? And how can we achieve that beloved feeling without getting a begging feeling?

In this episode, Leah continues Chapter 2 of Marriage Secrets, pgs. 41-44, and delves into getting the kind of love you never knew you needed!

Tune in for the first 6 minutes or so to hear the scoop in her own words, beginning at timecode 0:22!

Leah’s Points to Ponder:

• Being cherished starts with the wife, not the husband.
  • It begins with a shift in the wife’s heart, mind, and actions.
• Every action the wife initiates will bring her visible rewards.
• Making his wife happy is crucial to a husband’s happiness.

Devora: Sometimes my husband does small things that bother me, but I try to shake them off and do some things for him so that my love for him grows. Last night I was the perfect wife, but I didn’t feel any more loving towards my husband; I wanted more space from my husband. What do you think this is?

Leah: Tune in at 7:36 for a great analogy! Doing those things is great, but they aren’t the way to get closer and get past what annoys you. Focus on the specific things that bother you and work on those, remembering that the goal is closeness. Tune in at 9:12 for a true story illustrating what NOT to do. Think of tactics you can implement on your own that will make his stuff easier to handle. Get creative!

Chaya: What are some actual steps to take to work on ourselves to get closer to our husbands?

Leah: Laugh at his jokes. Do kind things for him. Remember things he likes. When he does something that you don’t like, try to let it go. If you can’t let it go, communicate it as nicely as possible at a peaceful time:

“I don’t want to make a big deal about this…”

Listen to him. Ask him about his day. (If he’s not talking, maybe it’s because of how you’ve responded in the past. Give it time, and he’ll start responding.)

Chaya adds: What if we do all these steps and they don’t show us the love we need?

Leah: It may require some introspection. Some women are bottomless pits of needing love because of past trauma. Start a journal. Are you capable of feeling love? What are your blocks to feeling love? What specifically do you need to feel loved?

Chana: What if cherishing feels a little smothering?

Malka: Is being cherished similar to being appreciated?

Leah: Cherishing is when your husband is so devoted to you that you feel that you are his #1 priority in life and that making you happy is the most important thing to him. Men don’t know how to do this naturally in the way we need, so you need to show him and teach him and we will get to how to do this.

Lila: Do you still need to laugh at your husband’s jokes if they’re inappropriate and make you uncomfortable?

Leah: Laugh anyway. If it’s making you miserable, then tell him you love laughing with him, but that type of joke makes you a little uncomfortable and you want to only feel closeness with him. Then ask: so how can WE resolve this together?

Pessie: Do you mean to laugh at the same joke every time he says it? Based on your advice, I’ll buy him a joke book or a comedy CD since I would like to laugh authentically. I don’t like to pretend.

Leah: Be inauthentic and laugh anyway. Shalom (peace) outweighs emes (truth). Your pretending will lead to closeness and peace.

Margo: If someone has a lot of growth in their own personal journey, can they grow with their husbands?

Leah: You are one neshamah (soul)- when you grow, he grows and vice versa. Sholom bayis (peace in the home) brings blessing in all areas of your life.

Viewer: Regarding jokes, what if inappropriate jokes were made at the Shabbos table, and it was so obnoxious that you felt like crying and it made you feel embarrassed?

Leah: It’s often the automatic reaction of the wife to blame the husband in these moments, when the truth is that G-d gave you that particular challenge at that particular time for a reason. If your husband has a recurring issue of insensitivity or poor judgment in these types of things, it may require you asking a third party (rabbi, rebbetzin, mentor) to give you an objective opinion (without your husband) and possibly get involved. If you have a history of resolving conflicts well with your husband, talk to him about it if you think he’ll be able to hear you.

Try This at Home:

One time this week, laugh at your husband’s joke (even if it’s fake!)