What Do You Do When Your Husband Isn’t Where You Are Spiritually?
Okay ladies. Join Leah and guest Efrat Barzel as they talk about something that is really, really hard.
What happens when you are growing spiritually… and your husband isn’t?
Maybe you want to keep more mitzvot.
Maybe you want your children to grow up with a strong connection to Hashem.
Maybe you’re listening to shiurim, reading, learning, growing…
And meanwhile, you look at your husband and think:
“What am I supposed to do?”
Do I keep growing?
Do I stop?
Do I push him?
Do I leave him alone?
And how do I raise my children according to my values without making their father feel like the bad guy?
These are not easy questions.
And they are exactly the kinds of questions we brought to Efrat Barzel on The Ladies Talkshow.
Don’t Make Abba Small
One of the most important things Efrat shared was this:
Keep Abba honorable.
It can be so easy, especially when we’re trying to teach our children what we believe, to point out what Daddy isn’t doing.
But what happens to a child when Mommy is constantly making Daddy small?
Instead, Efrat says, let your children see your love.
Let them see what Torah means to you.
Let them see your excitement.
Let them experience it with you.
You don’t have to spend all day explaining what somebody else isn’t doing.
Show them what you love.
And sometimes, those little moments stay with our children for years.
But What About Me?
Then comes the really hard part.
What if your own spiritual growth is creating distance between you and your husband?
Should you stop learning?
Should you stop listening to shiurim?
Should you stop growing because you don’t want the gap between you to become bigger?
Efrat’s answer is very nuanced.
There are things you need to do, and there are things you may need to be patient about.
There are times when you need to ask a posek who actually understands your specific situation.
And there are times when the biggest thing you can do is wait.
Because ladies, marriage is not a competition.
You don’t get a prize because you checked every box.
Sometimes shalom bayis requires patience, creativity, and knowing what really needs to happen right now.
And Then There’s Respect
Here’s another question that really made me stop.
What if you do the respectful things…
but inside, you don’t actually feel respect?
How do you change that?
Efrat tells a beautiful story about her own husband.
She realized that when she was growing up, she had a very specific picture in her mind of what an honorable man looked like.
A man who could fix things.
A man who knew how to use a drill.
A man who could hang the light.
And her husband?
Well… he wasn’t that guy.
But he had other qualities.
He was generous.
He could help someone financially.
His strengths simply looked different.
And she realized:
Maybe I don’t have to change my husband. Maybe I have to change what I’m looking for.
Wow.
That’s a big one.
Because sometimes we’re not actually seeing the person in front of us.
We’re seeing the person we thought we married.
What If He’s Walking Away From Faith?
And then we get to one of the most painful situations.
What if your husband used to be religious… and now he isn’t?
What do you do?
Efrat’s advice may surprise you.
Get interested in him.
What does he enjoy?
What does he want to talk about?
What makes him happy?
She even talks about sitting with a husband and taking an interest in the things he enjoys.
Not because you suddenly agree with everything he does.
But because he is still your husband.
And maybe he doesn’t need another person telling him what’s wrong with him.
Maybe he needs his wife.
He needs a friend.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
And finally, ladies, please don’t think you have to carry all of this by yourself.
If you’re struggling with your husband’s level of faith…
If you’re worried about your children…
If you’re embarrassed about what other people think…
If you feel completely alone…
Talk to someone.
Find someone you trust.
Open up.
Say, “This is what I’m going through. I need you.”
Because when everything stays hidden, it becomes your problem.
But when you let the right people in, you don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
This conversation with Efrat Barzel goes into these questions and so much more.
It’s about marriage advice for women, faith in marriage, husband and wife faith, spiritual marriage advice, relationship advice, and—maybe most importantly—how to stay connected when two people aren’t standing in exactly the same place.
So ladies…
Come watch the conversation.
And let’s talk about it.
Because your marriage is worth talking about.
