I did not see this side of him, and I DO NOT LIKE IT!
We’re back with another Deep Dive as the questions in our inbox have been piling up! Join Leah as she answers questions about husbands who act and dress outrageously, don’t bring in parnassa, or won’t listen to their wife’s opinion. Tune in and see how it’s possible to still be a fantastic wife, even if your husband isn’t how you’d wish.
Viewer Questions:
Sara: I listen to your show so I know about being a receiver. My question is, what happens when I feel like I am being a good receiver but my husband still doesn’t bring in any parnassa. Am I not being a good enough receiver? What can I do?
Leah: Being a receiver doesn’t mean he will instantly bring in more money, although it certainly sets the scene for this to happen. You’re planting the right seeds for more parnassa but it doesn’t mean it will grow in the area you want it to. The process of becoming a receiver is a process so it could be you’re an improved receiver but there’s still more work to do here. The brocha could be coming into your home in other areas, with children or health etc. Keep davening and receiving more and more. Your work for shalom bayis is absolutely bringing in more brocha.
Orit: My husband acts silly, says outrageous things, makes fun of people and uses inappropriate humour because he gets attention for it. He also likes to dress a bit outrageous for our circles. I wish he would be dignified and serious, which is how he presented when we were dating. I didn’t know this side of him before we got married. Please help!
Leah: It’s hard when expectations are thwarted. Your job is to ask yourself how you can be the best wife to this man in the face of what you’ve been handed. The situation is a challenge, your job is to brainstorm the good things he brings into the relationship, for example, you accepted him to look a certain way but you may not have expected him to listen to your problems. Introspect what’s valuable about him; this may help with the unmet expectations. If he gets attention for the negative things, find ways to give him attention for the positive. We have to make sure not to put energy into externalities. So, you don’t like how he looks but does he make you feel loved and valued? Make the shift to see how you can be the best wife.
Chana Rivka: My husband has recently discovered that he is troubled by aspects of his relationship with his parents. He won’t go to therapy. As his wife, what can I do for him and how can I support him?
Leah: Be there for him if he wants to talk. He may not want to but show him you’ll make time available for him to be there. He may or may not need therapy, but that’s his decision. As long as he knows you’re there for him. You could show interest by finding articles or books on that topic. If it’s serious trauma and he won’t go to a therapist, maybe you can go to see how to best help him. If he likes your input, give more, if he’s resisting, do less. Often, unconditional love from a wife is the best balm.
Mindy: I get on well with my husband but I don’t know what to do when we disagree. For example, we’re able to buy a home and I want to apply for a mortgage but he won’t yet. I want to try for another baby as we’re getting older but he wants to wait until he feels more settled and we have a house, but this could take a long time. I don’t know how to get him to change his mind.
Leah: If a woman is doing everything she can to respect her husband and bring out the best in him, he’ll be more able to bend his ear to listen to her. If he’s not listening to you with these important things, try to implement our shalom bayis mesorah more by honouring and listening to him more. Then he will listen to you more. Perhaps your communication could be improved as how we approach our husband makes a night and day difference to how he’ll respond.
