Off-the-derech child, you’re ruining my marriage!
Join Leah for a raw and reflective talk on keeping shalom bayis amidst such a challenge. So many are struggling and just about keeping a semblance of a relationship with their child. Too often, having an OTD child causes friction and ruptures in a marriage. Tune in as Leah sheds light on this painful topic.
Viewer Questions:
I’m really struggling to be emotionally available to my husband’s needs. I have two struggling children and a number of others who all need me. I feel torn in so many directions and I’m lacking emotional capacity for it all.
Leah: You mislabeled yourself-you do have the capacity for it. You’re greater than you think you are and that should give you koach to keep going. A person’s capacity to deal with things grows, and yours is too. When you have too much to juggle there’s always one answer- take care of your husband. Sometimes doing for others builds ourselves too. When we take care of our husband we’ll feel better about ourselves and it’s always the right thing to do. By putting energy into shalom bayis, he’ll take better care of you and you need it.
There are so many cracks in our marriage yet only I realize we’re struggling as my husband is so detached. He also views our off-the-derech child so negatively. It seems impossible to be together on this journey.
Leah: I think you need a therapist here. If he won’t come, have the therapist help you figure out how to get him to come. If that’s not possible, see how you can improve your marriage as there are ways to bring him closer and less detached.
My husband follows an old school approach to raising our children. Our struggling daughter’s level of modesty annoys him enormously and causes huge friction, specifically around the Shabbos table. I feel torn between showing my daughter acceptance so she stays at the table, and showing my husband respect. Wouldn’t her needs come before my husband’s here?
Leah: This needs a pre-emptive conversation with your husband. Simply speaking, a husband’s needs always come first. This comes with a caveat because you need to first speak to your husband. It doesn’t mean we do it his way, but his goal needs to become your goal and through speaking, you find a compromise about how to get there. We express ourselves fully but the overriding and underlying idea is that we’re on the same team.
Sometimes my kids complain to me about their father because they’re angry about how he handles something, or they don’t feel emotionally safe with him. I have differing views to my husband and part of me agrees with them. How can I be loyal to him but support my child?
Leah: Loyalty to our husband is more important than being supportive of our kid. Firstly, because he needs it desperately, secondly it’s part of our tafkid as his wife. Finally, by siding with our child over our husband, we rob our children of their father and they’ll come to hate you for it. Secondly, we rob the authority figure that teenagers need desperately. Hashem made your husband exactly how your children need their father to be. Loyalty is a key to closeness. You can support your children without being disloyal.
My husband won’t spend time reading up and listening to podcasts about raising struggling children. Because of this, I’m constantly explaining what I’m doing and why, often repeating myself and sometimes I get so angry at him, I yell. He also ruins the little bit of headway I’m able to make with the kids. I feel like he doesn’t care enough about me or our family to put the effort in to get himself trained. How can I re-establish the shalom in our bayis?
Leah: Women learn in a different way to men; they’re much more involved with buying books, researching, listening to podcasts etc. Tune in at 26:42 to hear how to have a successful conversation about this and how to brainstorm a plan together. You first need to find the deep goal you both agree on and this will help steer the day to day actions. Just keep in mind, it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that women and men respond differently. These are the cards you’ve been dealt to bring out the best in you.
