Why does he never seem to hear me?!
Join Leah with Guest Speaker Devorah Boroosan as they discuss how a woman can stop using her voice to hurt, and instead be heard, even when highly emotional or feeling insulted. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to never have that feeling of wishing you could take back what you said? Time to learn how!
Points To Ponder:
- Hashem gave us a voice to use and this is the first thing that’s important to remember: It’s a matter of how and when- choose the words and tone carefully.
- Screaming is the best way to get someone to tune out.
- Words can’t be unheard; friends are for venting, not our husbands. Every interaction we have with him is important. Every miscommunication takes time to repair.
- Make a time to speak with your husband to ensure you don’t catch him at a bad time. Then plan what you want to say. Tell him what you need, whether it’s just support or also solutions.
- You’re showing him you value his opinion and are leaning in to him which strengthens the marriage bond.
Viewer Questions:
Rachel: How do we keep our voice gentle and kind when we’re highly emotional if our husband hurt us?
When we’re hurt, we tend to go straight into the emotion. How do we communicate despite this? We need to think about what centres us, a mantra, breathing, a song, time out.
Centring means we’re not running away with our emotions. Taking the time out enables oxygen to come back to our brain so we can think and speak clearly. It’s not about him and me; it’s about our relationship.
Chana Kayla: My husband gets annoyed that I speak so much to my friends and sisters and not enough to him. But I’m nervous that if I complain to him, he’ll think I’m unhappy, if I tell him I’m upset he’ll give me unwanted solutions. I always thought it was better to speak to friends over our husband but he’s just not happy with this.
Certain things are for friends and certain things are only for our husbands. If it’s something positive, or a goal or dream then share it with your husband first- your husband deserves it and your relationship deserves it. Maybe he wants you to want his opinion- when we truly listen, what naturally follows is compassion and you become closer. Even when we’re hurt, remember it’s not malicious and come back to a place of recognizing that we’re allies not enemies.
Ilana: My husband gets so defensive when I approach him. I’m not even an attacking type of wife; I find it so hard to approach him. Can you help me figure out a way to approach him in a way that he won’t get defensive?
Husbands get defensive easily because all they want is to make their wives happy. He’ll take it personally even if it’s not personal. Realize he’s defensive because he cares about you. Before you want to vent, just pre-empt that he’s precious to you but you just need to offload. If it comes out wrong, ask him for another chance to reword it. We have so much power in the relationship because all he wants is our happiness. We have a powerful voice- we need to use it well.
Yehudis: I have a habit of saying things I regret, I feel like I’ve bashed my husband down so much that he doesn’t bother fighting back, I feel terrible, and this is making me realize how much I’ve crushed him through the years. What can I do now to bring him up and rebuild his trust.
If you know you have a quick tongue or can’t centre yourself before you lose perspective, don’t give up hope. It takes time to practice these skills. Speak to him at a calm time and apologize and be open that you wish you could take back so much of what you’ve said, ask him to make a signal with you if you start to lose control in the moment. Mindfully prepare how to use your voice. Always say what’s on your mind but at the right time and in the right way, then you’ll be heard.
Try This at Home: One time this week, introspect what centres you.
