With a husband who constantly makes the same mistakes, how can I not assume he’ll make them again?
Join Leah with Guest Speaker Chani Juravel and learn the beauty of never making assumptions, how to stay in the zone of curiosity and how to ultimately have a successful marriage.
Viewer Questions:
What are some actions we can take to get to this place?
- We learn the action step from Hashem; He asked Adam and Chava: “Where are you?” The secret is not to assume, but to stay curious.
- Our thoughts create our feelings, which create our actions. Often, we’re unaware of our thoughts. When we have a feeling, we need to bring it back to the thought to make sure the thought is correct.
- When we make assumptions which are black or white, these are fused thoughts which we fuse onto like Velcro, they feel real and could become our beliefs. But fused thoughts have holes and aren’t necessarily true.
- If we stay curious, we stay away from our fused thoughts.
Miri: What if it’s not assumptions but patterns, so I have realistic expectations of what he’ll do?
- Probably, the conversations you’ve had haven’t worked.
- Tune in at timecode 10:52 to hear how a curious conversation would sound.
- “Why” questions put people on the defence, but asking “what” or “where are you with this”, or “how would you like me to understand this,” encourages openness.
- A story at timecode 12:20 beautifully shows how connecting it can be to stay curious and how we can switch from angry to empathetic.
- Curiosity takes us from being stuck on the first floor of anger to the basement of trying to understand why they are how they are. We need to understand that we each have a world that’s as worthy of knowing as our own.
Rina: My husband often gets upset that he needs to spell things out for me, and he wants me to be more intuitive. How does this work without me having judgements?
- Intuitiveness seems to mean a lot to him- try to understand this. Ask him about it. Communicate what you feel you’re able to give him or ask him to teach you how you can make him happier.
Nora: I’m a Virgo which means I’m super critical. It’s hard for me not to pinpoint and pick apart my husband’s actions. It’s so innate and I really want to change that. Any tips?
- We’re very into trying to figure ourselves out, but we don’t need to be put in a box. Hashem creates beautiful merchandise. Two people can be born under the same horoscope but all middoscan be used either way. Don’t limit yourself.
- Maybe there are good ways to apply judgement. If it’s more of a challenge, just flex that muscle harder. Try reframing it.
- The days we are hard on ourselves, we’re hard on others too. We can’t love others more than we love ourselves. Check in that you’re not being hard on yourself. Can you find a softer approach to yourself?
Rikki: What is something positive I can think to stop my “fused thoughts” from taking over?
- Realizing that we deserve to not react in ways we’ll regret. Often, we assume and find out we’re wrong and then feel so badly. Instead, let’s just wait a few more seconds or ask a curious question. Do it because we deserve to.
Try This At Home:
Introspect which thoughts make us angry and whether they’re absolute or fused.
