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8 Marriage Lessons for Life

What if you could press a button and have the marriage you’ve always wanted?

What if you could get beyond all the petty annoyances in your relationship?

While I can’t promise you instant results, I can promise that if you try some of these secrets, you will see progress in your closeness, and in your own happiness. There’s no downside to trying!

#1 – Be the light

It’s so easy to recognize our spouse’s mistakes. But if we think about our own lives, there is a special place in our heart for the people in our life who saw the best in us. Maybe it was a grandmother, maybe it was a special aunt or uncle, maybe it was a close friend. We could probably get ourselves choked up thinking back on how much their loving opinion of us impacted our very soul. It might have been decades ago, but it still strengthens us to this very day.

That’s who we can aspire to be for our spouse. It’s a combination of seeing the best in them and bringing out the best in them. This is done by compliments, showing appreciation, letting their mistakes slide, and giving as much positive feedback as we possibly can. On a practical level, this means that when they do something good, compliment them. If they do something annoying, let it slide. Don’t get down on yourself if you forget, it’s a muscle that needs constant strengthening. But keep repeating in your own head, and in your own heart: “Be the light, be the light.”

#2 – Only get mad when you have to

There’s a lot that annoys us every day. In fact, if you followed someone around, you would witness just how many annoying things we all deal with. They open the car door and break a nail. They get in and spill their coffee. Then they realize they need gas. Then they realize they forgot their lunch. This is life. And when it’s our spouse who’s the cause of our annoyance, we feel justified in taking out our aggravations on them. Not only that, but we also pile on the pent-up frustration of all our other daily annoyances! But the more we’re able to process this stress, to reduce our aggravations, and to learn coping skills for life’s annoyances, the less we’ll take it out on our spouse.

Why is this important? Because the more we make our home safe, the more our spouse will want to be close to us. Bottom line: rather than spending time being mad about everything, let go of everything you possibly can. And when something really upsetting happens, take the time and effort to figure out how to communicate it to your spouse in a way that is actually going to be productive. And guess what, because you’re not hammering them 24/7, they might actually hear what you’re saying when it’s most important to you.

#3 – Let go

Control is way overrated. We live in a culture that glorifies the ability to call the shots and the power to make stuff happen. Because we are capable people, we end up micromanaging every detail of our lives. And then when things don’t go the way we want them to, we get mad at everyone including ourselves. But often, our most cherished moments are when we just let go and watch life unfold. This might be true, but then people worry that if they were to let go, there would be severe consequences. Their spouse would forget to pay the electric bill, the vacation would never happen, or the daily routine would fly out the window. I get it!

However, after you’ve made reasonable efforts, there’s a sweet serenity to letting things unfold naturally. As a practical exercise, this means that for absolutely everything you can possibly let go of, try your hardest to do so. For instance, perhaps be controlling about the electric bill, but let go about how your messy your spouse’s desk is. Let go about how long they spend playing Candy Crush. Let go about their eating habits. Breathing space will not only make our spouse more inclined to want to please us, but it will also greatly reduce our own stress levels.

#4 – Recognize that guilt is a dirty word

Taking a nap is not a criminal offense. Planning a day where you get nothing done is not punishable by jail time. And doing any activity that involves self-care is not ripe for making ourselves feel guilty. We are so frantic to keep up with our crazy lives that we do not give ourselves permission to take 5 minutes for ourselves. And if we get any downtime, we make sure to only use it for productive purposes. Or if we totally goof off, we feel terrible about ourselves and beat ourselves up mercilessly. The whole world is pushing us to prove our value by accomplishing more and more. We feel like a shell of a person if we “waste time.” Our very identity and self-worth are tied to how many items on our to-do list that we tick off.

The problem with this thinking is that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we simply won’t enjoy our lives as much. In case nobody ever broke the news to you, no one ever gets to the bottom of our to-do list anyway. But we keep pushing ourselves and end up resenting everything we do for our spouse. If we would take the guilt out of taking care of ourselves, we would be much happier, and our marriage would be stronger. Understanding this will hopefully give you the courage to take better care of yourself. But without a concrete plan of when you are going to take care of yourself, it will not happen. Make yourself a reminder to make a starter plan for self-care: 15 minutes per day, plus one hour per week – to rest, relax, and rejuvenate!

#5 – Spend more time looking forward than backward

It’s so human to wallow in past mistakes, to ruminate about how we’ve been treated, or to rehash old painful experiences. They tend to infiltrate our dreams and to interfere with our reactions to current circumstances. If we were to calculate how much time we waste ruminating about things from our past, we would likely be devastated. So how can we get on the other side of this? The most powerful force for this change is recognizing this. That will get you most of the way there.

The second part is that any time you recognize that you are looking backward, give yourself a physical cue to remind yourself to look forward instead. For instance, you could clasp your hands together tightly for a moment, or bite your lower lip and say “I am not going to waste my time in the past, I’m looking forward.” Or you can tick off a chart for every time you switch to looking forward, and then reward yourself. The point is that with determination, we all have the potential to grow ourselves into someone that is less bogged down by the past.

#6 – Understand your forgiveness level

Some people are very quick to forgive, and some people find it very hard. A lot of this stems from our childhood patterns of behavior. For many people, they were simply never taught how awesome it is to learn to forgive quickly. They feel like they will only lose by forgiving when in fact the opposite is true. Knowing this can help someone to learn to forgive more easily. The secret with forgiveness is the same thing an ER doctor will tell you, which is to “pull the band-aid off quickly.” The more you hem and haw about whether you should forgive and how you should forgive, the harder it becomes.

Even if you feel your spouse does not deserve your forgiveness, there is always a conversation that can bring you back to harmony. Find books, articles or a teacher to learn communication strategies. Anyone can increase their level of ability to forgive, it just takes determination and practice. So often, people bear grudges for years and it keeps them at a distance – when what they actually want more than anything in the world, is to be closer. Forgiveness is the magic bullet that will make your marriage shine!

#7 – Be present

When I tell people to turn off their cell phones and pay close attention to their spouse, they get mad. They say, “they never do that for me!” I hear. But if you want your spouse to listen to you more, listening to them happens to be the best way to accomplish that. You know that feeling we all get, “where did all the time go? It’s my birthday already?!” Sometimes it feels like life is slipping us by. The ideal way to slow things down, and to appreciate where we are, is to work hard to be in the moment.

When you are at the dinner table, force yourself to forget about the urgent email awaiting your response. When your spouse is telling you about their day, stop texting, tell the kids to wait. This is not something you’re doing to be a ‘goody-two-shoes’. There are huge payoffs to you personally for being present, both for your own satisfaction and pleasure in life, as well as the incredible closeness you will create in your marriage.

#8 – Tone down your expectations

Everyone agrees with this advice. Few actually do it LOL! It’s so hard to get idealistic pictures out of our heads. The gap between how our spouse behaves, and how we’d like them to behave is often vast. But just ask yourself this question: if your spouse acted disappointed in you, and gave you specific instructions on how to improve your behavior – would you find that motivating or aggravating? Obviously aggravating! In fact, it would likely lower your self-esteem, making it even harder for you to be great. Yet we often do just that to our spouse on a daily basis. We often push them to meet our expectations and are surprised when they feel belittled and less motivated.

So what can we do to be happier with our spouse just the way they are, while at the same time striving for greatness? The secret is to push ourselves to be great while leaving our spouse alone. It’s far more motivating if you show great appreciation for a teeny-tiny kindness that your spouse did for you, than to make one small comment expressing your displeasure for them not meeting your expectations. This is definitely a ‘try this at home’ activity. You’ll be amazed what you can accomplish if you check your expectations at the door and replace it with gratitude! And that level of kindness for our spouse builds a bond that is available in no other way.

In the merit of all your efforts, may you be blessed with more joy, happiness, and light than you ever thought possible in your marriage!

Leah Richeimer is the host of, “The Ladies Talkshow” a FREE LIVE weekly Facebook Live and Instagram Live show, podcast, and teleconference. If you’re looking to have an awesome relationship, this show’s for you! Make sure to check it out every Wednesday at 11am PST. Leah is the author of, “Marriage Secrets,” a real page-turner with relationship tools that have a 3,000 year-old-track record of success! Register for our FREE VIP CLUB![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]