Are you on your second marriage and afraid to repeat past mistakes?

You’re not alone!

Get Real with Leah guest Devori (name and personal details have been altered for the sake of anonymity):

• 4 years into her marriage with her second husband, Chaim
• 4 children from her first marriage, of whom 14-year-old daughter still lives at home
• Chaim has 3 married children from his first marriage

Devori feels like parts of her second marriage have been like living a nightmare…

Chaim’s children conspire against her

He doesn’t put her first and sides with his kids

She tried to get everyone into family therapy but no one would agree to go

On the positive side…

She and Chaim go to marital therapy

In therapy, Chaim finally admitted his mistakes

Several months ago, he apologized

She forgives him, but is unable to forget the hurt caused by his children

The goal: Devori want to help others keep their eyes open when they go into a second marriage.

Leah asks: Can you identify what baggage you had from your first marriage that you blame your current husband Chaim for?

Devori denies having any: I have been working on myself for a long time now and I don’t feel I brought any issues into this marriage.

Leah pushes a little further: If you want to improve your marriage, there is always something you can do and it’s your job to figure out what. You can either be a victim and remain powerless or you can change things for your future. It’s important to do daily introspection about how you can improve. A strategy you can try is to ask yourself if there is anything you may be doing at home that makes your husband feel unsafe, so that he feels the need to run to his kids. When you say you are doing everything right already, you are robbing yourself of your power to improve the situation.

Devori pushes back: No, I just let go and let G-d take over and I’m very much at peace.

Leah tries to delve deeper: We all do things that sabotage ourselves. When you understand your own actions, you have power and hope for the future.

Devori isn’t having it: My power is to be quiet. It works better when I go with my husband’s flow and follow his path.

Leah isn’t ready to give up yet: Going on your husband’s path is nice. However, if you do feel resentments, what you say to your husband and how you say it is of the utmost importance. I want to provide you with a way to get closeness in your marriage you never thought possible!

Leah’s take on 7 mistakes people make in their second marriage:

• Comparing- don’t do this! Comparing your current husband to your ex (or to anyone else!) will rob your husband of his individuality and rob you of a wonderful husband. One of the worst things you can do is compare ANYTHING, physical, emotional, financial…don’t go there! It is painful for your spouse and prevents you from accepting him for who he is. It also can block you from receiving from him, which blocks blessing from G-d.

• Lack of introspection. Many spouses deal with the pain of divorce by making their ex a villain. Taking responsibility and understand what role you played in the destruction of your first marriageis a big part of your maturation process and is a powerful tool to strengthen your second marriage.

Devori wants to know: What am I supposed to do when my husband doesn’t take my side? His children complain about everything against me. Anything I do, they pick on. I’m happy they’re not in my life.

Leah questions back: What have you tried to do until now when this happens?

Devori responds: I don’t remember. It was my husband’s fault from the beginning. I’m not into the blame game, but my husband’s children made it clear, even before I married their father, that they were not interested in a relationship with me.

Leah responds: There must be some way that you can communicate with your husband how painful it is when he takes his children’s side. You can go again for marriage therapy for several sessions and ask for a list of things you can do or say when your husband’s children are negative towards you. For instance, your husband might say to his children,

“You’re talking negatively about my wife and I’m not permitted to listen to that. I don’t believe it and I will need to get off the phone now.”

Devori insists: My husband is a good man, but he is not strong enough. If he had put his foot down from the beginning, the situation would be different today.

Leah points out: A husband gets most of his strength from his wife.

Devori doesn’t want to accept responsibility: My husband has a crazy ex-wife, and that makes this so hard.

Leah emphasizes: Second marriages are much more challenging and have a higher divorce rate because of children, stepchildren, ex’s, financials… You’re a smart and strong lady. Use your strength and brain to figure out what actions you can take to make this marriage better.

Now back to our 7 mistakes:

• The spouse never feels safe. A marriage needs trust to flourish. If the trust isn’t strong, neither is the marriage. Trust is even harder to build in a second marriage because you both know you’re capable of ending the marriage because you did it once already. How do you build trust? Constantly compliment your spouse, comment about your future together, and prioritize his needs.Never use the word divorce. Words have tremendous power.

• Unrealistic expectations. Women whose first marriages were disastrous tend to expect their second marriages to be very different. We all hold onto a fantasy of what marriage is. Expectations cause anguish, even if we expect perfection of ourselves, not our husbands. There’s a gap between who we are and who we want to be, and that causes pain. Let go of expectations and deal with the now!

• Mixed loyalties. Step-parenting is a big issue. Put your spouse first. If you take care of your husband, a lot of the issues which are troubling you will disappear. You can help your husband to take better care of you, but not through anger. One powerful way to establish a relationship with stepchildren is to consistently show interest in them and their interests. If you’re the best listener your stepchildren have had, you’ll be important to them. Ask questions, don’t make judgements, and compliment them after each interaction. Remember there are inheritance issues as well. If stepchildren act cruelly, be the bigger person. Gifts are amazing and they work!

• Massively bad communication. There should be a zero-criticizing policy in all marriages. You need to know how to repair conflicts. Read books on communication or look at our past shows at The Ladies Talk Show. Become a great communicator!

• Not having a plan. People leave their entire future to chance. Second marriages are much more challenging than first marriages. Read books, take classes, look at our past shows and make yourself an expert at being a wife! Your happiness depends on how great your marriage is.

Leah concludes with this message for Devori:

Have a strategy with your husband to have one positive interaction with your stepchildren this year. You’re a strong lady and I know you can have a positive impact on your circumstances!

Try This At Home:

One time this week, when you’re about to criticize your husband or anyone else, don’t say it! Compliment instead! When you achieve this, go grocery shopping and find one little decadent thing, even a peach, and treat yourself.