Have you ever wondered where you’re going wrong in your relationship?

Do you wish you could fix the mistakes you keep repeating but don’t know where to start?

In this episode, Leah herself is the ‘Guest Expert,’ as part of the Global Marriage Conference hosted by Rebbetzin Tamar Taback of the Nexus.

Leah breaks down the 5 biggest relationship mistakes and how to fix them. Be sure to watch the show for the true-to-life examples (complete with visual aids!), but here are the basics:

Mistake #1: Lack of Appreciation for Our Spouse

Women feel a very strong need for constant appreciation and most men do not give it naturally.

It can be tough to show appreciation to your spouse when you don’t get it yourself. It helps to know that the more you appreciate your husband, the more he will appreciate you, even if he doesn’t say it out loud.

But, Leah, I want him to say it out loud!

Here is the secret: You need to prompt him.

“Honey, wasn’t that soup great? I went to 4 places to find that spice that you like!”

Even though you solicited the appreciation, crazy as it seems, it will still fill your need.

This way, you get what you need, and you won’t feel like holding back gratitude towards your partner.

What if I still have a hard time showing appreciation?

Our mesorah (tradition passed down through the ages) guarantees that the more gratitude you show your husband, the more blessing you will have in your home. Who doesn’t want more blessing?

Mistake #2: Baggage

We’ve all got it. How can we stop it from weighing down our relationship?

It starts with introspection: Am I reacting in proportion to the present circumstances, or am I reacting this way because of past baggage? If it’s the past, how can I interpret my history in a way that empowers me instead of victimizing me?

It’s important to know your triggers and own them. Discuss them with your husband at a quiet, calm time, so he can try to be understanding when the baggage creeps into your interactions.

Mistake #3: Priorities

Your husband is ALWAYS first. Even before your kids.

Whether you’re setting the table or running errands or whatever it may be, your husband’s stuff takes priority.

Even if he doesn’t know you’re putting him and his stuff first in every case, you are building your respect and strengthening the connection within yourself, which will filter through to your relationship.

You are also setting an example for your kids. It is very stabilizing for them to see that their parents’ relationship is so solid and strong.

Leah, I have so much to do! How can I always fit in putting him first?

Remember that there’s accomplishing and there’s connecting. At any given moment you must choose between the two. Connection is what will bring the most satisfaction and the greatest long-term results- not only in your relationship but in your life as a whole.

Mistake #4: Blaming Our Spouse

This can be so tempting to do and is so destructive.

Blaming will never result in preventing the mistake from repeating, so it has zero benefits and creates tremendous distance.

Whenever you feel the urge to blame, say this instead:

“It’s all from Hashem (G-d) so it’s meant to be.”

Blaming provides an instant, brief satisfaction, while causing long-term, devastating distance. Not worth it!

Mistake #5: Not Listening to Our Spouse

Listening, not sharing, is the key to closeness.

Leah, I’d love to listen, but he never opens up to me!

• Provide a safe space for sharing
  • No interrupting
  • No negative reactions
  • Validate his feelings
• Solicit his conversation
  • Ask about things he’s interested in or occupied with (do research if necessary)
  • Don’t give up if it doesn’t work the first couple times
  • Ask leading questions (i.e. And then what happened?)

Our marriages should be the center of our world. Learn what it really means to be a wife according to our mesorah, not according to society or preconceived notions.

So much can be fixed by just checking our expectations. There are a ton of great resources out there (you’re using one right now!) so it’s very much within our reach!

Try This at Home: Grab one opportunity this week to put your husband first.

Additional Links:

To access the full marriage conference: https://thenexus.org/rise-into-your-crown/